Towards the end of last year, which was a few days ago, I had a surge of inspiration and excitement. I had plans and goals. I had ideas and ambitions. I had objectives and hopes for completing them. Somehow, after returning east today, stepping off the plane, waiting a bit too long for my baggage, taking the public transportation home, ditching work because I was so tired, crashing until early-mid afternoon, eating canned soup for dinner, wasting the evening in front of the TV, and feeling more or less alone and isolated again; after all that, I have almost no sense whatsoever of what I had planned for this year. Oh I know the kinds of things I have itemized but at the moment I'm really just not feeling them. I have half a mind to just write the whole year off. I'm not feeling very optimistic.
My Star Trek Life
I've told a few people of this trend that I noticed (or imagined) some time in high school that I've been able to back-track to Jr. High and seems to continue forward to the present. The idea was that my years seem to follow the Star Trek movies in that every other movie was bad and every other was good. So I would have a relatively bad year followed by a relatively good year and so forth. Then the last "supposed to be good" Star Trek movie wasn't all that good. And my last "good" year prior to this most recent good year wasn't all that either. Well, I'm somewhere in my good year now (they don't necessary follow the calendar, but rather loosely around my age) and the seeds of despair that I felt today reminded me of a potentially approaching bad year. Now, I know all about self-fulfilling prophecies and I know that this analysis is mostly gibberish, so what I've been telling myself is to make the best of it all no matter the year. Besides, there are no more Star Trek movies... yet...
Groundhog Year
I told TheShadow the other day of my desire to make oh-six my groundhog year, in reference to one of my favorite movies which is one of a select few that I always seem to watch to completion whenever I happen to run into it playing for the millionth time on USA, TBS, TNT, etc. Predictably, he hadn't a clue what I meant by that. He said something like "what? you want to live the same year over and over?" I explained that in the movie during his repeated day, the protagonist went through phases. First he experimented with stuff, robbed banks, and otherwise exploited his condition for nefarious purposes. Then came the resignation, lack of purpose, and despair which lead to repeated suicides. Then came the climbing up from rock bottom where he took it upon himself to be kind, learn things, and take advantage of the infinite time he had. It's this last part I refer to in announcing my groundhog year. So little time and so much to do, learn, and enjoy; I need to be better at filling my time with those things I long sought but never had the gumption to pursue. I need to take better advantage of the predicament I put myself into living out here in relative isolation. I think in the end I was rather successful in some of those things when I first left family and friends to live in the Bay Area. That hasn't happened here yet and I need to make it so.
What that looks like is the traditional things involving health, fitness, organization, and focus, but also some more proactive things like resuming night classes, possibly joining a studio or club, and resisting the blahs that in the past have caused me to skip out on outings and opportunities when they were presented. I just wish vegetating wasn't so appealing to me as much as it is. Hopefully I'll find the proper balance. I do sense new ends and beginnings coming and that's often source of anxiety and fear. I think I can be zen enough to take it now. As for my recent pessimism, I can deal with that too and hopefully something will present itself to snap me out of it and get the year started as it should be. Then maybe I'll have more things to write about. Who knows, they may even be positive things.
I should also buy a copy of Groundhog Day since I do enjoy watching it.
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